Vulva Is Packing

Crochet Packer
100% Acrylic

[Image description: a brown hand holds a dark brown crochet packer up against their pelvis that looks like flaccid phallic genitalia]

Crochet Packer
100% Acrylic

[Image description: dark brown phallic crochet genitalia peeps out of a pair of unzipped jeans]

Crochet Packer
100% Acrylic

[Image description: the pelvic area of a brown skinned person wearing jeans is pictured. There is a slight bulge in the jeans made by the crochet soft packer]

I made this crochet soft packer a while ago for someone who was looking to pack. A packer is anything that can be used to create the look of having a bulge in the pants. Trans dudes, people who are looking to be themselves, to pass, be fluid with gender or anyone else can use packers. A packer can be made from anything; from DIY rolled up socks and external condoms filled with liquid soap, to store bought prosthetic, silicone and cyberskin packers. Really it is about what works best for you and what your #packinggoals are, your budget, desired colour, preferred material, size and functionality.

This specific crochet packer is a soft packer (vs. a hard packer that is erect) which is made to simulate flaccid phallic external genitalia and normally isn't used for play (sexual contact) or for urinating purposes - stand to pee (STP). The one pictured above is filled with cotton stuffing, however a crochet soft packer could be filled with anything else (like beads) to give a different feel, weight and to make it more malleable when rubbed up against. It also fits well in packing underwear or boxer briefs. While it is stiff enough to be used for penetration, I wouldn't recommend it as the yarn fibers would for sure shed or friction would damage the condom. Plus there are so many other rad options for sexy times. The benefit of it being handmade is you can get as creative as you like! It can be whatever colour you want, you can make varied sizes and shapes, you can use different types of yarn (glittery mohair!), it is inexpensive and machine washable, and can be stored without collecting fuzzies/dust. I am going to write up a pattern and post it here for all you crocheters out there to get your DIT (do it together) packing flex on. Also, if you live in Toronto and want to link up to crochet packers, email me and we can do a thing!

Check Come As You Are Sex-cooperative for a wide range of packers and other packing needs.

Vulva Is Back

Photo by: Fonna Seidu
fonnaseidu.com

[Image description: a crochet vulva with golden labia minora, black hairy labia majora a large circular wooden                             clitoris and dark orange canal is pictured on a black and white patterned background.]

Oh hello, how have you been? Blogging hasn't been happening for a while. Life took a spiral in the last year and the decline of mental health resulted in needing to take a serious break to just be. In my meandering process of trying to acknowledge, then care for my mental health I came to a place of accepting that my mental health isn't necessarily a liner trajectory, but rather an oscillating journey in; falling apart into a hot mess, having episodes, identifying my triggers and saying fuck no to em when I can, learning coping strategies, working through and with my traumas, and asking for help among other things. On my growing list of things that matter to my mental health, writing is right there kicking it with crochet. So here we are again returning to the culmination of those worlds. I hope you too are working on life wellness recipes as you can, your robust health needs always matter. Despite mental health oscillations, things have still been happening! So for the next little while I'll be sharing some of the happenings of the last year.

In September of 2015 fellow artist, best friend, travel buddy, and work wife Fonna Seidu and I teamed up to participate in the Feminist Art Conference (FAC) at the Ontario College of Art and Design (OCAD) university. We submitted a collaborative art piece, that anyone could contribute to, to broaden the perspective of what a vulva is or isn't. Our thoughts in this installment were that collaboration has been a tool of thriving and communal-determination through the many historical and contemporary facets of violence that are realities to black brown and indigenous people. Collaboration affirms our struggles, sustains our existence, and recreates collective ways of being. In the context of this project collaboration broadens perspective; learning from multiple experiences, and expands beyond the idea that vulvas are only symbols of womanhood, and are only for sexual consumption and reproduction. We got over 100 notes and pieces of art work that reflected just that! I'll share a few in the weeks to come, so keep locked for that. Here is an interview of us about our art installment.

Vulva Is Exhibit at FAC 2015
Photo by: @justineabigail

[Image description: four large images of crochet vulvas are posted on a white wall. Along the wall are smaller art works in response to the question: what is/isn't a vulva to you?]

A number of the artists participating in FAC are engaged with acts of alternative archiving as a means of reclaiming histories and ensuring multi-vocality. As a relatively new organization, the Feminist Art Conference itself is also engaged in continual self-archiving.

What, for you, is the power of the archive for BIPOCS (Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour)?

F: The key thing is that our art is created from an insider’s perspective and is intentionally created to revamp the common media narrative (stereotypes, half truths and occasional success stories) with our own perspectives.

T: Historically, “non-western” art has been collected and assimilated into categories of for-profit, scientific value, or aesthetic. The art of people who create on the margins is constituted as evidence of prehistoric people, as prized for strangeness or curiosity, as taxonomic typology, or as personal collection (Clifford, 1988). In that regard the messaging and essence of our art is continuously framed within the domain of capitalism and white supremacy, and represented through a bounded ‘primitive, less authentic art’ category. When using social media outlets, we are the curators of our own realities. In editing and posting our own pics or using hashtags (seemingly simple things), we are telling our own stories in the exact way we choose to represent them. It is intentional, it is powerful. We are telling a very specific story of our lived experiences instead of having other people create/curate stories about us.

How does our growing internet and DIY culture lend itself to the formation of alternative archives?

F: DIY is all I had. At home we had scraps of paper or fabric, glue, incomplete sets of crayons/markers/pencil crayons, to make art (a collage or a quilt, for example). My art, as it developed, has always been made with mismatched and borrowed tools. In the past, DIY/crafting books that I found in the library would only feature white folks but I knew that I needed BlPOC representation. Now that I have access to internet, I found folks that look like me who are actively creating tutorials and instructions on art-making!

T: For our piece, regarding collaboration, borrowing resources from people we know or the environment, and sharing our stories is collaboration. If collabo didn’t exist it would affect how we do or don’t make art. In that regard it’s DIT (do it together), because of the endless collaboration that is integral to the process of making art and growing in our artist practice.

Additionally, the difference between putting our stuff on social media ourselves and mainstream media putting our work up is that we are teaching others and receiving the credit. It is pretty gross that we live in a reality where simply getting credit for the work we have always done (and shifting away from the theft and appropriation that sustains museums for example) is considered “alternative”. Shame.

Though the intersection of craft and political activism has various historical precedents, the 21st century has witnessed an explosive union between the two.

What is it, for you, that renders craft mediums — knitting, quilting, crocheting, etc.  — so conducive to radical political intent?

F: My interest in knitting came from a childhood babysitter. Living in the hood, my babysitter would often take care of us and one day she was showing us a baby hat that she crocheted with a pen lid! The resourcefulness of that astounded me. She didn't feel shame about the using pen lid, she was proud. It is radical in and of itself - not using products from the store - that stuck with me.

T: I crochet a scarf for me and my friend because we had no money to buy a scarf, or I share the skill + material resources with a friend so they can make whatever they need. I am finding alternative ways to sustain myself and community that doesn’t rely on capital consumption. So the ways that people choose to use craft mediums is intentional - eg. Educational, healing, meditative, looking fly, survival or whatever. For me crochet is geographically contextual - linked to the history of the land and people. 

I’ve beeeeeen teaching crochet, and still when I walk into a class or workshop I’m never instantly recognized as the person with the knowledge. Especially in white middle-income spaces where I have taught, people are always surprised when I introduce myself as the teacher. In this North- American context, the deeply racialized, age-based understanding of weaving and textiles plays outs. Who is understood to be an artist, and who is not. Being a crochet teacher on this land challenges lots of stereotypes of who crochets and who doesn’t , who is understood to have knowledge and who doesn’t, who can hold power in a space and who can’t.

I crochet vulvas. It challenges a highly cissexist/sexist reality that both vulvas and textiles are docile, not threatening, homebound things that ‘only belong to women’ and maintain other people's comfort. In my practice I have noticed that representing the complex relationships to and realities of vulvas makes people uncomfortable.  Using an art and representing a type of genitalia that has been socialized as ‘only belonging  to women’ that is based on a narrative that extends beyond the binary of femininity and womanhood is a paradox that sometimes confuses and makes people uncomfortable.

When I’m back home crochet is about bonding and grounding myself. I hang with my aunts and older women crocheting doilies for the house. In these craft jams I get to hear stories, past and present - I reconnect and I belong. This is particularly important to me being a diaspora baby born of immigrant parents. Politically, because of histories of colonization and economic imperialism I am physically removed from my lineage and ancestral land. These are my people and this is our land, we are doing radical arts together because we are challenging basic white supremacist ideology that we are the ‘other’ and do not belong.

Speaking further on intent, have you found any difference in how people react or connect to your work?

T: At first I only made brown coloured vulvas, primarily because of a lack of BIPOC representation. More recently I started making an array of colours, because non-poc’s couldn’t relate to the lived racial experiences I was talking about. I felt uncomfortable with the idea that the stories of brown vulvas were being white washed to express meanings that reflect the lives of non-poc’s. On the other hand, having an array of differently coloured vulvas has taken on a new meaning - it created a space where people could create and re-imagine stories about bodies. Like, what does a purple sparkly mohair vulva mean?

Responses vary, I’ve seen how white female sex educators have purchased my art to further their own careers and I never get a shout out. It feels like another way white people profit off Black genius, stealing our brilliance and switching up the meaning for their own gain. In these situations I am always left wondering if purchasing our art is in solidarity with artists of colour.

I have been thinking about how point of view affects the ways that people relate to the crochet vulvas. As someone who lives with and identifies as having a vulva, when making them I have chosen to physically position myself on my back, open my legs and use a mirror to see my vulva. But in reality, when in this position without a mirror I can't actually see the entirely of my vulva. All I see is my clitoris, part of my labia minora and the top of my labia majora. In using a mirror I have shifted from reflecting my own personal gaze of my body and instead have served to reflect the gaze of someone looking at my vulva. Similar to a pornographic gaze, I have drawn my audience into a point of view that situates them as onlookers of the vulva. I believe this point of view can easily draw parallels between the fantasy or reality of a sexual position as a voyeurs of the vulva.

F: My photography on Flickr is discovered most often because of the LGBT hashtag on my shots. Recently, a lot of my work has been invited into collections that cis-presenting gay men curate such as “Black Male Strippers - In Action” or “Guys Having Fun”. The pictures that get more responses are of men in the ballroom scene - pictures of women receive little attention and are rarely invited to Flickr collections. Of course I like the exposure for my art, but feeding into the current desirability stereotypes (such as masculine and feminine or tops and bottoms) feels kinda shitty to me.

Works Cited:
Clifford, James. 1988. The Predicament of Culture: Twentieth-Century Ethnography, Literature, and Art.Harvard University Press.

Vulva Is in Need of Touch

What does it mean to be touched? As I have gotten older I have become more aware of the ways that I have denied myself the need to be touched. When I am talking about being touched, I am not making reference to sexual desire. I am talking about loving touch. Being touched in a tender loving way that does not serve to pornographically objectify, exploit or arouse the body. As a child I remember always wanting to cuddle up with my parents. Up until the age of nine I used to find any reason to crawl into their bed sleep and between them, but the older to got the more unacceptable it became. I remember the sadness I felt when I was denied space in their bed, and the loneliness/abandonment of being forced to sleep alone. Whenever my mother used to sit on the couch to watch TV I would settle myself in the bend of her legs and rest my head on her upper thigh and the older I got, still longing for this space of touch, I distinctly remember her telling me "You're too heavy for that now!" For me, cuddling with them was a space of comfort. The feel of their warmth and their flesh was a form of physical bonding- an expression of love. It was a source of pleasure that felt good. After the age of 10 I don't recall of any distinct form of physical bonding with my parents or anyone else. I became estranged from and deprived of touch.

In her book Sisters of the Yam: Black Women and Self Recovery, author Bell Hooks talks about how the deprivation of emotional nurturance (including touch) at a young age can make it difficult for black women to distinguish the longing for nurturance from sexual desires. Hooks outlines that this deprivation does not exist in a vacuum. Living in a racist, male dominated, capitalist north American society, black women's bodies have been used as breeding machines and made into sites of objective pornographic desire. This manifest negatively in our psyche: being embarrassed of public displays of affection, masking our desires, or expressing destructive expressions of sexuality.

Before coming across this book I remember telling a friend of mine that I longed to be touched. For so long I had become disinterested in having sex and I had recently been diagnosed with Herpes and felt too grossed out with myself to have sex. I came to the genuinely surprising realization that sex was the only space in my life where I would allow myself to experience touch. My immediate family had become estranged to physical bonding and that estrangement was persistent in all my other relationships. I did not hug often, caress, or cuddle and I felt a sense of embarrassment in doing so. It felt unnatural and awkward. Furthermore, the only parts of my body that ever received touch were the parts of my body that have been sexualized and deemed desirable - booty, breasts/chest, and genitals. Being deprived of touch out of estrangement, disinterest and disgust, still I desired intimate skin-to-skin contact and to be caressed in a non-sexual way by another persons warmth and flesh. In our discussion I posed the question whether or not it was possible to have consensual non-sexual cuddle buddies. To find someone I felt close enough with to share my physical self with and could make myself vulnerable to experience pleasure with.

Some months later when the opportunity finally presented it's self I couldn't get over an over-sexed notion of skin-to-skin contact or the idea that physical contact could only exist in a sexual-romantic partnered way. The fear that touch would lead to sex scared me out of the possibility of allowing myself to experience touch, suppressing and denying myself my desires. I had learned to love and understand my body through the same racist, male dominated lens that told me my body didn't deserve tender love and care free of a voyeuristic gaze. I had internalized my afroblack female body as sexual object that is supposed to assume a sexual role despite my desire not to.

Unlearning and healing from both external and internalized racist and patriarchal realities that shape how we understand our bodies and, moving towards encounters that do not diminish or degrade our happiness or well-being is hard and requires a lot of dedication. Approaching what Hooks calls sexual healing calls for redirecting our energies from the place where we have been wounded, used or abused to write ourselves a recipe - ideas that enable us to heal, then follow it. When we are experiencing pain she affirms that having these ideas day by day and moment by moment are reminders to bring us back in touch with our bodies. For me the first step was acknowledging that I needed touch. Having someone I could openly and honestly share that with, helped in being able to name my desires and their boundaries. The second was taking the time to realize where I did and didn't receive touch. This helped be to be able to identify where I could give and receive reciprocal care. In my life, hugs have become a site for intimate contact, they are a place of safety and comfort. The third is crochet. Learning to be still and focus my attention through crochet encourages me to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings. My black sisters and cisters, we deserve joy of the flesh that makes us feel good, is awakening, heals us, is dignified, respectful, gentle and caring.

Genitalia Storyweaving: Vulva Is Humanized

Crochet Vulvas made by F.D

I recently received an email from someone asking for the pattern of the crochet vulvas I make. I was caught off guard because I just freestyle making crochet genitalia, taking inspiration as it comes. The person asked if she could make one as a gift for her midwife, and I was elated! I love midwives, and on top of that I was totally digging the transnational solidarity. Asking to make them, to me, was a sign of respect for intellectual property and genius. This connection was just all kinds of right! When I asked why she thought it would be a good gift to give to their midwife she responded:

"Turns out that the movement of humanized deliveries and ethic pregnancies is growing here in Chile (where I live, South America). More women want to learn and know their bodies and how babies can connect to them. I found a few pictures of things that my Midwife would like (like crochet baby in a womb, crochet breast, etc.) and your vulva was the one that she liked the more, bcs she could teach women and show them 'how to's' not only with tact....which obvi we as the patient cant see" -- F.D

Initially when I first started up this blog it was because I wanted to see diverse representations and interpretations of female external genitalia. I got real tired of always seeing super medical, erotic, flowery, mechanical and diluted information that takes for granted (or blatantly ignores) that there are socially constructed ideas about all bodies, especially those of women and females. This same information also often ignores that all other identities and social realities we inhabit can not be removed from the ways we experience those ideas. So whether we use drugs, are racialized, are HIV positive, are queer, a migrant worker, transgender, non-binary, living in poverty, are under housed, have a chronic illness, are disabled or anything else will def have an impact on how our bodies are interpreted both internally within ourselves and externally to our surroundings. Above all that, most importantly to me is that widely available information is void of how people honestly feel about themselves - and this can be really alienating. The feeling of going through something alone and having no one to communicate that to is super shitty. There is little affirming information that makes us feel good about the choices we make, and there are limited options made widely available to us so we can make choices that suit our desires and needs. The right to dignified birthing options, midwives, learning about our bodies and connecting to our babies is a part of that too. As I have been saying since this blogs birth is that I am only one person and can only speak to my own experience of what a vulva and genitalia is, so I always appreciate when other people decide to contribute their wealth of knowledge and personal experience! Thank you for sharing your truth F.D. Check: Genitalia Storyweaving to submit content!

Vulva is a Herp Kween!

Herp Kween Vulva

In recent years I have become more and more comfortable addressing the realities of my body, particularly the things that are assumed to be socially yuck like odors, sores, itching, mensuration blood, pubic hair and fluids. It is not to say that these things have never grossed me out in the past, in fact they used to repulse me in such a way that I would purchase and consume products to try and to make invisible what I assumed to be negative outputs of my body. I had always conceptualized my body as a mechanized entity that was separate from my spiritual and mental self. Mostly this was because I felt I had no control over the social ideas around my physical body and how those ideas impact the ways I can and cannot move throughout the world. Feeling like myself and body were somehow separate, I started to think about how to experience my body as it is and attempt to find harmony in this internal-external binary. So I started using products that allowed me to engage with the natural process of my body, and stopped using those that encouraged discarding them; I started using a menstrual cup instead of pads and tampons, using a deodorant crystal instead of antiperspirants or perfumes. In using products that did not mask the natural process of my body I realized that I had an element of control, I could evoke new kinds of social interactions, and it was people’s reactions to socially yuck ideas around bodies that absolutely amazed and indulged me. Through this process I assumed that I had somehow become neutral in my reactions to yuck ideas about bodies until I was diagnosed with what I like to call the kweens herp.

After coming home one day I was taking a shower and my vulva was immensely itchy like I had never experienced before. It is hard to describe the itch apart from the fact that it was insatiable I tried everything from changing the shower setting to a jet stream and scratching ferociously, to applying creams to sooth the itch, to sitting down and gyrating. Nothing worked. I lay down dejectedly taking deep breaths, and in a state of anxious panic I decided to take a look at my vulva. It was swollen and a very deep red. Concerning. In exercising my certified google MD frenzy I got onto the internet to research my symptoms. Yeast infection, lichen planus, bacterial vaginitis, syphilis, HSV-2 and the list went on. I found myself tumbling fast back into the realm of the uncontrollable ideas about my mechanized body through experiences of my illness. My body was being broken down into its biological parts, into risky behaviour, contagious, diseased, infectious, viral, me. Exhausted and after finally finding a sense of comfort with my legs strategically apart I forced myself into some semblance of sleep.

I woke up the next morning for work in excruciating pain, so much that I was unable to walk. I squatted over a mirror and saw what is to date the most repulsive sight I have seen on my body and I thought 'this shit sucks'. I immediately became disgusted with myself, and in the instant I started wishing for a product, any product, that could hide and make invisible the yuck bodily experience and negative output of my body.  At the time I was working in an office setting where I was forced to sit, but lying on my back legs apart with a damp cloth on my vulva was the only time I was able to get relief from the pain. For three days teeth clenched I crab walked throughout the office pretending I had hurt my knees feeling too embarrassed to tell my employer ‘hey can I take a couple of days off? My genitals are shifting between in excruciating pain and immense itching and it’s pretty distracting’ Given the social context I was forced to oscillate between presenting a particular set of symptoms and hiding others to perform a convincing yet non-shaming role of experiencing illness. 


I was later diagnosed with Herpes simplex 2 (HSV-2) genital herpes.The doctor took the time to remind me that I was now medically contagious. Just like the information I found in my panicked search on the internet, the conversation did not revolve around long-term pain management options or how I felt, but my responsibility to quickly disclose to my partners for disease control measures. Feeling mortified and embarrassed by the diagnosis, I was terrified to tell my sexual partner, despite having regularily practiced safer sex using gloves and condoms. I was even afraid to display my painful experience of illness for fear of having to disclose this new status. The fear of abandonment, what if my partner didn't understand a left me? Or stayed and became disgusted or fearful of my newly contagious body? How would our relationship change? Given the social and my own psychological context, out of fear and confusion I forced myself to hide presenting a particular set of (painful) symptoms. I understood that there are social values about genitalia, especially when talking about genitalia outside of what is understood to be 'normal'. Through this experience I found the ways I moved through the world in my state of illness were dictated by social ideas I had no control over. I was unable to express any psychological relief from feeling deeply disgusted with my body and the anxiety around being represented as contagious because, at the time, I felt I had no one to talk to about it. There was no biomedical answer for that that google, web MD or the doctor could answer. In reducing my experience to pain to a biological function, or my external self, there was a major aspect of experiencing illness that was ignored.

So what exactly is Genital Herpes anyway?
Genitals Herpes is an infection that is caused by the Herpes virus. It likes to hang out in warm and moist places like the vulva, balls and butthole. The herpes virus has two strains, simplex one and simplex two. Simplex one is often what is thought of as cold sores around the mouth and nose area. Simplex two is found in the genital area. Yes, cold sores are a type of herpes! One thing to note is that both simplex one and two can cause herpes sores on the genitals. Meaning, if someone has an active cold sore on their mouth and goes down on another persons junk without using a dental dam or condom, there is a possible chance of getting it.

How does it get from one person to the next?
Well, the herpes virus is transmitted from skin-to-skin contact. When there are sores, like on the mouth or genitals, that's called an outbreak. So if someone touches, kisses, rubs, humps or grinds on the site there is a possibility that it can be passed from one person to the next. It's all about contact, so herpes can also be passed during childbirth and through non sexual activities where another person comes in contact with the sores. But herpes is kinda tricky because virus sheds and it can be active without showing any symptoms or sores at all, so whether there is an outbreak or not there is still a possibility it can be passed on.

So can herpes be cured or treated?
No, herpes can not be cured. It is not like other bacterial Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI) like chlamydia or gonorrhea that live in bodily fluids and can be cleared from the body with antibiotics. Viruses act differently. The thing about viruses is that they never go away, they kinda hide out or sleep in the body until something wakes them up. The herpes virus lives at the base and top of the spine and things like physical or emotional stress, hormonal changes, irritation or friction to the area, an unbalanced diet, or having a weakened immune system are just a few things that can wake the virus up. But! There is medical treatment available for herpes. When living with herpes there is the option of taking antiretrovirals that just lessen the symptoms and duration of outbreaks, but they are never completely taken away.

The key piece is the strength of our immune system (the bodys natural defense system to fighting off things like colds). If it is weakened in any way, outbreaks can be more severe and more frequent. So doing things than keep the immune system strong like exercising, eating a balanced diet, as well as taking herpes antiretrovirals before an outbreak occurs can make living with herpes manageable. If someone is living with HIV, I have been told, taking prophylaxis for herpes when first starting HIV meds can help if outbreaks are very severe (longer lasting, larger lesions spread over a larger area).  It is important to realize that all of these 'healthier lifestyle' and just take meds suggestions are deeply contextual and not everyone can or chooses to access this type of treatment. If none of these options are possible or desired, over time people tend to get fewer and less severe outbreaks - but it might be a painful journey.

But I have an outbreak right now, what can I do?
Outbreaks are shitty, I'm right there in the herpdom with ya <3 If you have one, do what you need to feel comfy. Walk slowly, don't wear underwear, feel sad...do whatever works for you. Here are a few suggestions I have used that make moving though daily life with outbreaks more manageable:

1. Talk to someone you trust and who gets it.
I talk to my best friend. He has helped me a lot when I have felt gross or disgusted with myself and has also helped when I feel really empowered after disclosing my herp status to my sexual partners. Talking it out with someone who is willing to listen means everything.

2. Write love letters to yourself.
I sometimes feel like no one will want to be with me or think I am gross. Although during an outbreak it might feel that way, remember we are none of those things. Having a reminder of that from myself feels good.


3. Find an activity you love doing.
Personally I love crochet, it refocuses my attention.


4. Pee hurts.
It burns the sores. So things like peeing in the shower or leaning forward on the toilet so pee-sore contact doesn't happen helps. 

5. Avoid dry friction.
Use damp paper towel to gently pat/wipe up after pooing or peeing. This also helps prevent dry toilet paper from getting trapped on the sores.


6. Wash hands.
If touching the sores are a must, wash your hands afterwards to avoid spreading the virus to other parts of the body.


7. Soothe the sores.
I put crushed aloe vera on my sores to help with irritation.


8. Get comfy.
I like to sleep with my legs apart and wear loose clothing


9. Avoid sexual contact.
Not specifically because of transmission, but because it is painful and can spread the virus internally into the vagina or anus.

Can I ever have sex again?
Yes, yes and yes! Have sex when you are ready to, not only because of how you might be feeling about yourself, but also because telling partners isn't easy. I think there are a lot of links in the constant psychological pain of rejection and the really real threat of violence, whether it is based on disclosing HIV/STI status or gender. So to disclose, or not to disclose? The choice and timing is up to you. It's a constant journey and there are a lot of things to consider, especially with sexual partners. Really think about why, or why not disclosure is necessary. TBH I don't always disclose, and while there is for sure a deep moralizing (and criminalizing in the case of HIV) around disclosure, there are also so many personal, interpersonal and social inhibitors and motivators that influence whether we disclose or not. I believe we should all have the option to decide when and how we disclose and have access to the resources and knowledge to support our decisions.

I choose to disclose when I have met someone who is into supporting my emotional, physical and spiritual growth because openness, honesty and vulnerability are what I appreciate in long term relationships. Sometimes this looks like having sex after getting to know each other, and other times it looks like always using barriers and having types of sex where the possibility of transmission is low/non existent. If someone is not there to be with me like that, I know I have been taking care of my body, I haven't had a flare up for a while and I know what types of sex prevent transmission, I don't always disclose because it isn't necessary. Part of it is also linked to the oscillating feelings of self acceptance and whether or not the people I am having sex with are respectful of the boundaries I set up around sex (when they are not that's just sexual violence). However, there are also a lot of benefits to disclosing when we are ready. Receptive and gentle partners are real! It feels like a weight is lifted after telling them and we can talk about our fears, desires and how to move forward together with care. You know your self and your relationships best. Always consider your safety, health and wellness first, what resources you can get access to, what knowledge and supports you need, and assess the possible outcomes when deciding whether or not to disclose.